Radical Flexes From The ’90s

A few days ago, while shopping at the Target in Fort Collins, my 9-year-old found a pair of jeans she instantly fell in love with. So we grabbed a pair and went to the fitting room to try them on. Well, she did. I waited outside.

When she came out smiling ear to ear, all I could think about was "Those are JNCO jeans, and why in God's name are they back? Of course, I didn't say that because she's too young to know what JNCO jeans are.

Wide, wide, wide-legged saggy butt jeans. Apologies if you owned a pair, but you know, as I do, they were fugly.

Let's take a look at the ultimate flexes from back in the day, which we were so damn proud of.

Status symbols from the '90s

• What in the world did you do in the '90s if you weren't near a phone and someone wanted to talk to you? You got yourself a beeper. Pagers were little black boxes people hooked to their pants that sent you messages like "come pick me up" or "let's ditch 4th period and go to McDonald's."
• Do you guys remember when there were CD changers in the trunk of the car? When you wanted to change the disk, you had to pull all the way over. I once listened to a Backstreet Boys album for three months because I was too lazy to stop the car, walk to the trunk, open the trunk, and change the CD. The process was exhausting. But I'm lazy.
• Doc Martin boots are still a thing, but they were A THING back in the day. Not only did you have cool-looking boots, but your legs got a workout every time you wore them, since each boot weighed at least 12 pounds.
• Cordless phones were a luxury like no other. At one time, the phone was hooked to the wall with a long, twisty cord. Wanna talk to your best friend about accidentally farting in front of your crush at school earlier that day? You had to have that conversation in the kitchen while your mom made Hamburger Helper. It was humiliating, but it was the only way.
• Beanie Babies were not only adorable little bear toys, but also treasures my aunt thought would help her retire young. If you had a Princess Diana Beanie Baby, you were most likely picking out vacation homes and sports cars. Spoiler Alert: They weren't worth much at all, and my aunt continued working at a gas station until she died.

What items from your childhood made you feel like the coolest kid on the planet?